Where have I been?

This thought struck me one day – where have I been all my life? I have started processing situations and thoughts by writing poetry – a kind of prose poetry. I will share these poems with you as I go along.

I call them my “Tuesday” poems. I take myself out to dinner, generally on a Tuesday evening, accompanied by my iPad. The ambience is relaxing. I am not surrounded by reminders of duties calling for my attention. I can think freely.

Here’s the first one, written June 25, 2019.

Where have I been all my life?

Where have I been all my life?
I’ve been present, here and there in fleeting, flitting moments
I have memories which rise and fall, some of ecstatic moments, moments of success, moments of which I’m proud
And others of moments best left in the grave where they belong, but which resurrect at the oddest times
I think of many things that bring me grief
But
There is joy.

Where have I been all my life?
Why was I not more present? Why did I not carpe diem?
How serious I was as a teenager, studying existentialism, seeking the reason for life
Carefree in my twenties, reaping the consequences and coming back into the fold to worship the Almighty in my thirties, raising a daughter in my forties, reinventing myself in my fifties, graduating from university in my sixties
All the while battling Bipolar Disorder until I learned to manage it.

I gaze down the river of the past as it twists and turns, bearing bits of history on its eddies and currents
I peer up the river of the future and I wonder: am I too jaded, too cynical to extract bits of hope?
But
There is joy.

I am alive. The sun shines. I have my wits about me. And having my daughter’s love…priceless!
Can I measure the future by the past? Wisdom says not
So, carpe diem, I say. Appreciate the view of the river as it flows past
Distill joy. Relax.

And so, relax! enjoy your summer!

Affectionately,

Penny

A Return…

Hello! I have been absent for far too long. I’ve had writer’s block, brought on mostly by depression. My psychiatrist has prescribed an increase in antidepressants, and I am feeling incrementally better day by day.

Depression brings with it an inertia. I think of all the things I would like to be doing – including writing – but the will and the body won’t cooperate with the mind. There are activities I continue to engage in. I have been doing them for so long it doesn’t take much effort on my part – and very little brain-strain – to keep the momentum going. Having said that, I am enjoying a week away from all my commitments while I housesit. This is definitely refreshing, and most likely one of the reasons I can sit down and record my thoughts in this way.

Do you suffer from depression? Do you have a family member or friend who does? I encourage anyone who is in the depths to have a get-away, even if it’s for only part of a day. Visit an art gallery. Find a restaurant that is featuring live music. Check out an open mic event. Explore nature. Once we get over the initial resistance, we’ll be glad we made the effort. A big world awaits us.

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…The sky is falling!

Do you remember the story of Chicken Little (or Henny Penny in some cultures)? Not the movie, but the book. An acorn falls on Chicken Little’s head and he is convinced that the sky is falling. He goes as far as making a journey to see the king to warn him of this impending disaster.

The meteorologists predicted a week ago that we were going to be the beneficiaries of a significant snow storm. 10, 20, and even 30 centimetres (almost a foot) of snow was anticipated in some regions. I woke up the next morning, fully anticipating to see a blanket of fresh-fallen snow on the ground below, and there was…nothing! Just a light dusting of snow. No need for snow plows. To be fair, some other areas farther afield did get some snow.

Many times we anticipate the worst, and it never happens.

Catastrophizing. Have you ever catastrophized? It is an irrational thought that we have in believing something is far worse than it actually is. There are two forms: we can make a catastrophe out of our current situation, or we can imagine making a catastrophe out of a future situation. Example: I am late getting to work. I immediately believe I will lose my job and my paycheque, and therefore I will lose my house and my car. By the time I get to work I’m in a panic. Meanwhile, my manager welcomes me and is glad I’m at work, or suggests I leave a little earlier for work next time.

If you are prone to catastrophizing, next time ask yourself some questions. Is the situation realistic? Is it really likely to happen? Is there anything you can do to mitigate the situation? For example, perhaps you can call ahead to work to say you’ll be a few minutes late.

For me, catastrophizing is a symptom of depression. I imagine my nearest and dearest in a fatal accident, and the scenario includes a funeral. When I start thinking that way, I know I’m depressed. Just knowing that takes away the heavy emotion generated by these irrational thoughts – I do recognize these thoughts to be irrational.

Next time the sky is falling, look for the acorn.

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…Joy!

What is joy? It is not happiness. It is more deeply rooted than that. It is in our very wellsprings, something that bubbles up from beneath the surface. I may not be happy about my situation. In fact I can be angry, frustrated, sad…you name it. But I can feel joy.

Joy is a separate entity. Our babies give us joy. Victories give us joy. We sing joyful songs to the Lord for He is great. Creation sings for joy.

Joy is being able to feel good when everything else around us feels bad. It is the inexplicable sense that no matter how terrible our predicament is, we can still feel good. I believe optimism is rooted in joy.

Depression can mask joy, can thwart joy. But we have the Comforter. Romans 8:26-27 says, “The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.” Let the Holy Spirit pray for you if you have lost your joy.

Seek joy. Happiness is ephemeral. It is fleeting – sometimes here and sometimes not. Joy will stand the test of time.

I welcome your comments!

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…book proposal

I have a book in the works, A Ledger of Tears. This title is taken from Psalm 56:8: “You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book. (MSG)

I am shopping for publishers and agents. The brief synopsis of the book is this:

Catharine Roberts, a strong, independent, yet sensitive woman, is tormented by memories of her past. She comes to Jonathan Webster, a compassionate and insightful Christian therapist, for help to untangle the knots that bind her.

Jonathan helps Catharine to resolve the conflicts and to understand the dissonance she experiences in her relationships with her birth family. We discover that on top of everything Catharine has had to bear, she has Bipolar Disorder. Her trauma – and her disorder- spill over into her adult life, and we follow her experiences through good times and bad. Catharine is steeped in scripture, and readily shares the passages that have meant the most to her during harrowing times.

Much as Jonathan likes and respects Catharine, the sanctity of the client/therapist relationship must not be broken. Is there a budding relationship?

So, dear friend, this is a tidbit of what A Ledger of Tears is all about. What follows? Tears of Joy!

I have processed a great deal through journalling. Perhaps you have found that journalling your path has been helpful. I strongly recommend it, for it brings clarity, and often helps resolve issues that are rattling around inside our brains 🙂

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…Reconnoiter

reconnoiter

verb (used with object)

to inspect, observe, or survey the enemy, the enemy’s strength, opposition, a region, etc. in order to gain information for military purposes.

2.
to examine or survey (a region, area, etc.) for engineering, geological, or other purposes.

verb (used without object)

3.
to make a reconnaissance.

Armies on the march need time to rest. Rest is essential. If it’s not part of our routine, our minds and bodies will protest in unmistakeable ways. If we don’t heed the warnings, we will shut down in unexpected ways. Our march forward will be anything but efficient.

This holds true for everyone, whether Bipolar or not, but perhaps especially if one has Bipolar Disorder.

Sometimes the best strategy is to retreat and then attack from a different position. Going backwards to go forwards? Retreating to advance? We may have to go back to square one in order to regain our bearings, collect ourselves, and set out with a renewed purpose and sense of mission. During the course of this exercise, we may come to the realization that this particular battle doesn’t need to be fought at all. We have reconnoitred – surveyed the territory – and come to a decision. Then it’s a matter of informing the troops. If they protest and disagree, well, we are the ones in charge. It is our health and resources that are at stake.

What tactics work in one set of manoeuvres may not work in another. Again, taking time out to reconnoiter may save a great deal of frustration.

There are at least three options. You may think of more.

1. Decide not to proceed.

2. Decide to proceed as planned, fully cognizant of the contingencies involved.

3. Decide to head in a different direction, if that suits the objectives.

What is the objective? To achieve our goals, to enhance our quality of life, to??? you fill in the blank.

What is amazing is that we don’t have to fight our battles alone. We have an awesome Commander-in-Chief who promises to march by our side. At times we don’t have to fight at all, for the victory is the Lord’s.

One of my favourite stories is found in 2 Kings 7. The people of Israel are besieged by the Syrians, who are camped outside the walls of the city. The price of food has gone through the roof. Four lepers decided to surrender themselves to the enemy, in the hopes that their lives may be spared and that they will be fed. If not,well, they were doomed to die anyhow. What happened when they entered the enemy camp? They found a treasure trove of loot and animals, but no enemy! God had caused the enemy to hear the noise of chariots and the noise of horses – the noise of a great army. The enemy ran for their lives. No one struck a single blow! The famine was over. A fine example of God fighting on behalf of His people.

Take time to take stock. Reconnoiter what’s ahead of you. Make an informed choice about next steps. May your march forward be rewarding!

Affectionately,

Penny

Source: reconnoiter. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved January 31, 2018 from Dictionary.com website http://www.dictionary.com/browse/reconnoiter

A Penny-wise thought… Reprieve

As I write this, we are enjoying above-average temperatures in Wellington County, and indeed over most of eastern Canada and northeastern United States. Above-average means above 0°. This is a reprieve from the bitterly cold temperatures we have had over Christmas and the New Year, where we had wind-chill factors in the minus 20’s.

Reprieves are good. Reprieves are necessary. A reprieve comes in many forms. For the prisoner on death-row, a reprieve means a stay of execution. For the patient who suffers the debilitating effects of a disease, it could mean the remission of the disease. It could mean a coffee with a friend, and a chance to chat and pour your out heart about what life has handed you and how you feel about it. It could mean buying a single rose for yourself, to put in a vase where you can often admire its beauty. Many forms.

I have Bipolar Disorder, and am sometimes caught in a depression that seems so deep, I will never crawl out of it. I have understanding friends, as well as an awesome daughter, who cheer me on and keep in touch with me even though I feel I am a pariah. I have faith in a living, loving God. When I am in the deepest despair, I know He cares for me. If I lose hope, my daughter, friends and Pastor lift me up in prayer and, miraculously, I feel better again. This sometimes happens because, no doubt as a result of prayer, daily devotionals seem to directly address my situation, and the scriptures they contain give me courage to keep on going. I have had a reprieve.

Are you needing a reprieve? Do you need a safe place to spill out what you’re going through? Leave me a comment.

Affectionately,

Penny

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