Mid-Year Angst

Hello!

When July came upon us, I experienced a kind of angst – the year is half-over, and as I write this, July is more than half-over.

As we get older, time seems to take on wings. I heard it explained this way: to a four-year-old, one year is 1/4 of his life, to a twenty-year-old, one year is 1/20th of her life, and to a sixty-year-old, one year is 1/60th of her life. No wonder a year flies by. It is but a small fraction of my life.

While I was contemplating the fact that we have begun the second half of the year, the following came to me, written July 2, 2019.

JULY

The curtain falls on the first half, then rises immediately on the second. No intermission. No time for relief, to catch one’s breath.

On the stage for the first half: events, hindrances, appointments, meetings, studies, time spent idle, and redemptively, time spent with loved ones.

On the stage for the second: not the same, oh please, Lord, not the same.
Let the latter half be far better than the first.

Please, let me taste of the fruit of the tree of life.
Let my horizons expand in the heat of summer,
so when the cooler climes of autumn awaken me once more to the reality of winter,
My tongue will have been the pen of a ready writer and my creativity will warm both me and others.

And when the curtain falls on the second half, then rises immediately on the future, let there be no remorse, no regret; only the dawn and hope of another year.

Is there anything over which you are feeling some angst? I urge you to journal it, turn it into prose, poetry, music, dance or artwork. You will find release, and perhaps even some humour as you explore what you’re capable of creating.

Until next time,

Affectionately,

Penny

Where have I been?

This thought struck me one day – where have I been all my life? I have started processing situations and thoughts by writing poetry – a kind of prose poetry. I will share these poems with you as I go along.

I call them my “Tuesday” poems. I take myself out to dinner, generally on a Tuesday evening, accompanied by my iPad. The ambience is relaxing. I am not surrounded by reminders of duties calling for my attention. I can think freely.

Here’s the first one, written June 25, 2019.

Where have I been all my life?

Where have I been all my life?
I’ve been present, here and there in fleeting, flitting moments
I have memories which rise and fall, some of ecstatic moments, moments of success, moments of which I’m proud
And others of moments best left in the grave where they belong, but which resurrect at the oddest times
I think of many things that bring me grief
But
There is joy.

Where have I been all my life?
Why was I not more present? Why did I not carpe diem?
How serious I was as a teenager, studying existentialism, seeking the reason for life
Carefree in my twenties, reaping the consequences and coming back into the fold to worship the Almighty in my thirties, raising a daughter in my forties, reinventing myself in my fifties, graduating from university in my sixties
All the while battling Bipolar Disorder until I learned to manage it.

I gaze down the river of the past as it twists and turns, bearing bits of history on its eddies and currents
I peer up the river of the future and I wonder: am I too jaded, too cynical to extract bits of hope?
But
There is joy.

I am alive. The sun shines. I have my wits about me. And having my daughter’s love…priceless!
Can I measure the future by the past? Wisdom says not
So, carpe diem, I say. Appreciate the view of the river as it flows past
Distill joy. Relax.

And so, relax! enjoy your summer!

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…What’s in a Name?

Image result for picture I have called you by name

Isn’t that the statement! God has called us by our name and we are His.

I was curious: what does the name Penelope mean? I started by searching “What does Penelope mean?” and reading the descriptions. I suggest you do it for your own names too (don’t forget your middle name!). You might find some pleasant surprises.

Penelope means faithful, weaver, intelligent, wise. In Homer’s Odyssey, Penelope was the wife of Odysseus. She was faithful to him for the twenty years he was away. She kept suitors at bay by pretending she had to finish weaving a burial shroud for Odysseus’ father before she would choose a suitor. I like to weave stories.

People with this name have a deep inner desire to create and express themselves, often in public speaking, acting, writing or music. They also yearn to have beauty around them in their home and work environment.

People with this name are excellent at analyzing, understanding, and learning. They tend to be mystics, philosophers, scholars, and teachers. Because they live so much in the mind, they tend to be quiet and introspective, and are usually introverts. When presented with issues, they will see the larger picture. Their solitary thoughtfulness and analysis of people and world events may make them seem aloof, and sometimes even melancholy.

I can see myself in this description. Perhaps others who don’t have the name Penelope can see themselves as well!

Now, to turn this around, what names does God call us? We’re the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8), a friend of God (John 15:15), God’s handiwork – or work of art, or masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10), God’s treasure (Deuteronomy 7:6), His sons and daughters (2 Corinthians 6:18), heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17), and His beloved (Song of Solomon 2:16). Can you find more?

What’s in a name? A whole character description – from the names we were given at birth, to the names God has lovingly called us.

Enjoy your research!

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…Hope!

Image result for picture of sunrise

What stirred me to write this, at 4:35 a.m. this Sunday morning, was the twittering of birds in the darkness just shortly after 4:00. Sunrise isn’t until 5:42 a.m., although it will be light some time before that. These birds are anticipating the light. They are heralding a new day quite some time before it appears.

Isn’t that what hope is? Anticipating that something good will happen before it occurs? In fact, that is also a good definition of faith.

The sun may come up on a bleak, dreary, rainy day. Does that discount the sun’s presence? It is possible to forget that the sun is shining when grey clouds overshadow us, yet if we were in an airplane high above the clouds, the sun would be bathed in radiant rays, and we would be enjoying its effect on the clouds below.

So is hope. There may be nothing in our present circumstances to suggest that hope is reasonable, yet inwardly, hope may be welling up, anticipating a new day, anticipating new adventures, new solutions to problems. We are not robots, programmed to act out a certain way under a certain set of circumstances. We are humans, with the capacity to think outside the box, to pray, to find solutions, to find hope before the dawn.

May the birdsong remind us all that no matter what the circumstance, the sun rises – whether we can see it or not. May we believe that there is hope, that answers will be found when we seek them.

Wishing you a hope-filled day,

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…Thunderstorm!

In my part of the world, we are experiencing a heat wave. Temperatures of 35º to 45º Celsius with the humidex (95° to 113° Fahrenheit for my friends in other parts of the world). This is creating the right ingredients for a thunderstorm. Warm, moist, unstable air is rising and as it cools, it forms a cumulonimbus cloud, out of which comes a thunderstorm. As you know, thunderstorms are characterized by sound and fury – the lightning causes a loud crack, or a deep rumble, and hail, fierce winds and tornadoes may be devastating. On the other hand, there may be no precipitation or fierce winds or tornadoes at all, and we are treated to a magnificent sound and light show. This is a time when we are in awe of God’s creativity.

What about the storms in our lives? In particular, what if someone becomes hot under the collar and tempers erupt? Is there a path of destruction as words that can never be retrieved are spoken, devastating those who are caught in this path? I knew someone long ago who said how much better she felt after she had “let off steam”. She may have felt better, but those upon whom her invectives were hurled certainly did not feel the better for it. It was alienating and hurtful.

What to do when tempers start to flare? Immediately separating oneself from the situation is an excellent move. I don’t know that counting to ten gives a long enough space between anger and action, unless one is accustomed to using it as a means to cool down. If a person cannot separate him or herself from the scene, and this pattern repeats itself over and over again, perhaps a long-term solution needs to be found. This could take the form of therapy, or a physical move. It doesn’t have to be forever – only until the person has his or her anger issues under control.

.A good discussion – and even a heated discussion – where no one is vilified can be productive. It’s all in how we say it.

The Apostle James has a very descriptive way of representing the power of the tongue:

James 3:3-6 ^“A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.” (The Message)

In contrast, listen to the prayer of the Psalmist: Psalm 141:3 “Post a guard at my mouth, God, set a watch at the door of my lips.” (The Message)

May the thunder and lightning in your life be a dynamic source of creativity, rather than a source of destruction and devastation.

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…Joy!

What is joy? It is not happiness. It is more deeply rooted than that. It is in our very wellsprings, something that bubbles up from beneath the surface. I may not be happy about my situation. In fact I can be angry, frustrated, sad…you name it. But I can feel joy.

Joy is a separate entity. Our babies give us joy. Victories give us joy. We sing joyful songs to the Lord for He is great. Creation sings for joy.

Joy is being able to feel good when everything else around us feels bad. It is the inexplicable sense that no matter how terrible our predicament is, we can still feel good. I believe optimism is rooted in joy.

Depression can mask joy, can thwart joy. But we have the Comforter. Romans 8:26-27 says, “The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.” Let the Holy Spirit pray for you if you have lost your joy.

Seek joy. Happiness is ephemeral. It is fleeting – sometimes here and sometimes not. Joy will stand the test of time.

I welcome your comments!

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…Divorce

I don’t mean divorce in the usual sense of the word. Not divorce between two people. I would that two people, when they say their vows to each other, would remain life-long friends, lovers, and soul-mates.

Are we married to a habit that is costing us too much, both financially and emotionally? Are we closely bound to something that is having a negative impact on our life? It could be a toxic relationship, or a way of life that is interfering with our overall quality of life.

It’s time to get a divorce! It’s time to distance ourselves from whatever is impeding us. We can say, thus far and no more! We can set firm boundaries! Psalm 104 expresses this in poetic language:

5 You placed the world on its foundation
    so it would never be moved.
⁶You clothed the earth with floods of water,
    water that covered even the mountains.
⁷At your command, the water fled;
    at the sound of your thunder, it hurried away.
⁸Mountains rose and valleys sank
    to the levels you decreed.
⁹Then you set a firm boundary for the seas,
    so they would never again cover the earth.

Perhaps we feel we are trapped forever in whatever situation we find ourselves. Pray for separation, for escape, so that we can live whole lives, lives of peace and comfort. It’s not easy to disentangle ourselves from a destructive pattern. We need support.

Let me cheer you on, as you take steps towards freeing yourself.

As always, comments are welcome.

Affectionately,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…Journalling

I journal endlessly. Whatever thought strikes my mind, I write it down. It could be the most inane and boring thought going, but I write it down. It clears my head. Sometimes what I write has tremendous satisfaction, and I am sure I will use it in my writing someway or other.

What is the benefit of journalling? To get down on paper (or equivalent) whatever it is I am feeling. Can I express the happiness, the joy I am feeling? Or can I likewise expresses the angst, the upset, the anger or despair I am feeling? If I write it – or express it -am I less likely to have the thought explode in an undesirable way?

I believe that by expressing all of our feelings – happy, negative, or whatever – we can settle into our lives a little bit better. Writing is but one means. Drawing a picture of how one feels can evoke emotion. A person who is a composer may express her feelings through music. I have been impressed by those who complete pictures through adult colouring books.

Creativity takes so many different forms…what appeals to you? Do you have a means of creatively expressing how you feel?

I mentioned that journalling clears my head. What clears yours?

Leave me a comment,

Affectionately yours,

Penny

A Penny-wise thought…book proposal

I have a book in the works, A Ledger of Tears. This title is taken from Psalm 56:8: “You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book. (MSG)

I am shopping for publishers and agents. The brief synopsis of the book is this:

Catharine Roberts, a strong, independent, yet sensitive woman, is tormented by memories of her past. She comes to Jonathan Webster, a compassionate and insightful Christian therapist, for help to untangle the knots that bind her.

Jonathan helps Catharine to resolve the conflicts and to understand the dissonance she experiences in her relationships with her birth family. We discover that on top of everything Catharine has had to bear, she has Bipolar Disorder. Her trauma – and her disorder- spill over into her adult life, and we follow her experiences through good times and bad. Catharine is steeped in scripture, and readily shares the passages that have meant the most to her during harrowing times.

Much as Jonathan likes and respects Catharine, the sanctity of the client/therapist relationship must not be broken. Is there a budding relationship?

So, dear friend, this is a tidbit of what A Ledger of Tears is all about. What follows? Tears of Joy!

I have processed a great deal through journalling. Perhaps you have found that journalling your path has been helpful. I strongly recommend it, for it brings clarity, and often helps resolve issues that are rattling around inside our brains 🙂

Affectionately,

Penny